Physical Self-Image

Tony at Life's Colorful Brushstrokes has always provoked in me much effort of thoughts regarding my life. The letter that he dedicated to his mother on Mother's Day inspires my own post to remember my mother. In a recent post he shares about his insecurity of his physical attribute that he used to feel so embarrassed of his scrawniness at the gym. I'm sure each and every one of us, at one point or another in life, feels insecure about something about ourselves that we so desperately wish to change or to cover, out of fear.

I had an overweight problem that had spun out of control in 1997. I weighed whopping 205 lbs in the picture taken in New York from this post. That was Christmas 1998. My friends Tony and Weizhu still make joke of my voracity: gobbling a plate of pineapple fried rice and six skewers of chicken satay at a Malaysian restaurant midtown. But seriously, it was around that time when a warning sign flagged about my health. I was short of breath walking up those hills which cable cars make their plunge. I couldn't even do 5 ab crunches without feeling suffocated. Push-ups were out of the question. I could barely see my manhood when I looked down at my protruded belly in shower. I was a size XL for all shirts and waist 35 for pants. I was very self-coscious of my physical self-image.

So I kicked off a weight loss campaign that included a dietary plan and fitness program in spring 1999. I began to count my calories and read food labels, opted for the high-fiber, low-fat, low-calorie unprocessed food. I completely abstained from fast food and desserts while I went to the gym 5 times a week alternating cardio exercises and weight-lifting. I started doing something that I used to dread so badly in high school PE: running. I put on the headphone and ran berserk but that was not without pain during the first couple weeks. I wanted to give up after I ran for a block!

The first two months saw almost zero weight loss but I gradually felt that my body was getting attuned for the program. I carried snack bars, apples, cereals and bottle of water wherever I went and ate small meals whenever I needed it. By summer 1999, my weight dropped from 205 to 174 and by winter 160. Pant size shrank from 35 waist to an unprecedented 32! I felt I had gained the confidence about myself and my body that I never had in my life because I have grown up as the fat kid in the neighborhood. Obesity has incurred a quasi depression in me that somehow alienated me and suppressed the social being in me. I was afraid to meet anyone since a muscular, toned body is almost a default, an icon of the gay community. Shame was always at play when I think of body image and appearance.

Now I stick to the gym about 4-5 times a week and the workout alternates with swimming and running. I started a weight-training schedule about 2 years ago and I have scrupulously abided by it without a break. I weigh 162 lbs, waist 31 and chest 41 body fat 16%. My goal is to reach about 175 lbs, chest 43 and body fat 12%. The fear and insecurity that have captured me since my adolescence have slowly disbanded and healthwise, I have not even had a tincture of a cold for over a year (except for spring allergy) and I can negotiate those hills without even a gasp.

I attributed to my success to consistentcy and determination. Don't ever give up. Anyone want to be my work-out partner?