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A Guy's Moleskine Notebook

Thoughts and reflections on works of fiction and literature. Pondering of life through pictures and words. Babbling about gay rights. Travelogues and anecdotes.

  • [1] Annie Proulx: Brokeback Mountain
  • [2] Arthur Golden: Memoirs of a Geisha
  • [3] Yu Hua: To Live
  • [4] Alan Hollinghurst: The Line of Beauty
  • [5] Colm Toibin: The Master
  • [6] Carlos Ruiz Zafon: The Shadow of the Wind
  • [7] William James: The Varieties of Religious Experience
  • [8] Charles Higham: The Civilization of Angkor
  • [9] Graham Greene: A Burnt-Out Case
  • [10] Dai Sijie: Mr. Muo's Travelling Couch
  • [11] Alan Hollinghurst: The Swimming-Pool Library
  • [12] Mikhail Bulgakov: The Master and Margarita
  • [13] Colm Toibin: The Blackwater Lightship
  • [14] Alan Hollinghurst: The Folding Star
  • [15] Ross King: Michelangelo and the Pope's Ceiling
  • [16] Fyodor Dostoevsky: The Brothers Karamazov
  • [17] Jonathan Franzen: The Corrections
  • [18] Colm Toibin: The Story of the Night
  • [19] John Banville: Shroud
  • [20] Leo Tolstoy: Resurrection
  • [21] Peter Hessler: River Town, Two Years on the Yangtze
  • [22] Ian McEwan: The Atonement
  • [24] Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Love in the Time of Cholera
  • [25] Ignacio Padilla: Shadow without a Name
  • [26] Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose
  • [27] Richard Russo: Straight Man
  • [28] Fyodor Dostoevsky: Notes from Underground
  • [29] Alan Hollinghurst: The Spell
  • [30] Hermann Broch: The Death of Virgil
  • [31] James Baldwin: Giovanni's Room
  • [32] Ken Kesey: One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • [33] Xingjian Gao: One Man's Bible
  • [34] C. Jay Cox: Latter Days
  • [35] Harper Lee: To Kill A Mockingbird
  • [36] William Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew
  • [37] Daniel A. Helminiak: What The Bible Really Says about Homosexuality
  • [38] James Baldwin: Tell Me How Long the Train's Been Gone
  • [39] Kenji Yoshino: Covering - The Hidden Assault of Civil Rights
  • [40] Italo Calvino: If, On a Winter's Night A Traveler
  • [41] Arthur Phillips: The Egyptologist
  • [42] George Orwell: 1984
  • [43] Michael Warner: The Trouble with Normal: Sex, Politics, and Ethics of Queer Life
  • [44] Andrew Sullivan: Virtually Normal
  • [45] Henry James: The Wings of the Dove
  • [46] Jose Saramago: Blindness
  • [47] Umberto Eco: The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana
  • [48] Dan Brown: Da Vinci Code
  • [49] Kazuo Ishiguro: Never Let Me Go
  • [50] Ken Follett: The Pillars of Earth
  • [51] Leo Tolstoy: War and Peace
  • [52] Michael Thomas Ford: Alec Baldwin Doesn't Like Me
  • [53] Jonathan Franzen: How To Be Alone
  • [54] Jonathan Lethem: The Fortress of Solitude
  • [55] Matthew Pearl: The Dante Club
  • [56] Zadie Smith: White Teeth
  • [57] Fyodor Dostoevsky: The Double
  • [58] Jose Saramago: The Double
  • [59] Andrew Holleran: Dancer from the Dance
  • [60] Heinrich von Kleist: The Marquise of O & Other Stories
  • [61] Andrew Holleran: In September, the Light Changes
  • [62] Tom Perrotta: Little Children
  • April 17, 2006

     

    Moving On

    I've been having issue. Has it not been for Moby's post my relationship issue would never have projected to the spotlight of the blog. One fine September day last year I was gripped with the realization that I have fallen for someone. He was someone I thrived not to fall for, just like what Moby said in his post. Anyway, I gave him lots of attention, calling him and initiating conversations, which normally nudged to a numerous of terrains covering literature, arts, current affairs, and life. Somewhere on the road I realized he might not be the one but I persisted in giving my heart, thinking he might feel differently about me. A horde of conflicting emotions inundated my mind: anxiety, love, excitement, hopelessness, depression, fright. Until last month, I was confronted with the ultimate rejection. The truth was plain and cut-throat: he didn't feel the same affection for me as I feel for him (so I love him too much? I express my affection too soon?), and he constantly signaled to me about my unrequisited love and that he felt sorry to be the object of my yearning. Now that a month has elapsed since the painful confrontation, I'm excited I'm still capable of getting back up after I have fallen so deep. I haven't made any contact with him consciously, until I returned the e-mail Sunday night. I don't know if I can love someone (now, or in the near future) with the same fierce intensity and nuance of heart as I have loved him. The tincture of the unfulfilled love will cast a shadow of melancholy that would be concomitant to my being. The rejection, after all, is not as obtrusive and it seemed at the first place. The most difficult thing is to excise someone from my life in which he has grafted and left indelible mark. The light of all this drama is that my willingness to talk about it brings about the dawn of healing.

    7 Comments:

    Blogger piksea said...

    When I first separated from my ex, I was so worried that I would "take to my bed" and never get out that I would set my alarm on weekend mornings and force myself out of the bed and immediately make it. I also put a moratorium on the purchase of any cute jammies. It took time and eventually, when the pain dissipated I was left numb and convinced that I was dead inside. I can't begin to tell you how happy I was when I started to fall for someone again, after a year out of the game and a year of kissing frogs and finding frogs that weren't even kissable.

    Someday you can look back fondly at this time in your life without the physical and emotional pain of heartbreak. Just keep plodding along and you'll come out okay in the end and maybe even better because of what you learn about yourself.

    4/18/2006 10:41 AM  
    Blogger Matt said...

    My apology to all who have read the unrevised version of this post. It was infested with outrageous mis-spelled words. My hands must be trembling out of grief when I typed the message!

    4/18/2006 3:38 PM  
    Blogger Matt said...

    pikea-

    Thanks for sharing. You make my day! I'm plodding along, taking off work/school early today and enjoy a bluesky semi-holiday! :)

    4/18/2006 3:39 PM  
    Anonymous Danielle said...

    Oh man, it is always so hard going through this situation--I have had my share of them, too! I am happy I am not in that dating situation anymore, but I can certainly sympathize!

    4/20/2006 7:44 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    "Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you...someone's gonna think the stars above..."

    4/22/2006 1:42 PM  
    Blogger Robert said...

    The true magnificence of the human heart is ever so inconceivable, innit? Glad you're doing better.

    4/26/2006 8:01 AM  
    Blogger Matt said...

    Thanks so much Robert. I truly appreciate your kind word. Love and heart are unfanthomable indeed.

    4/26/2006 4:34 PM  

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