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A Guy's Moleskine Notebook

Thoughts and reflections on works of fiction and literature. Pondering of life through pictures and words. Babbling about gay rights. Travelogues and anecdotes.

  • [1] Annie Proulx: Brokeback Mountain
  • [2] Arthur Golden: Memoirs of a Geisha
  • [3] Yu Hua: To Live
  • [4] Alan Hollinghurst: The Line of Beauty
  • [5] Colm Toibin: The Master
  • [6] Carlos Ruiz Zafon: The Shadow of the Wind
  • [7] William James: The Varieties of Religious Experience
  • [8] Charles Higham: The Civilization of Angkor
  • [9] Graham Greene: A Burnt-Out Case
  • [10] Dai Sijie: Mr. Muo's Travelling Couch
  • [11] Alan Hollinghurst: The Swimming-Pool Library
  • [12] Mikhail Bulgakov: The Master and Margarita
  • [13] Colm Toibin: The Blackwater Lightship
  • [14] Alan Hollinghurst: The Folding Star
  • [15] Ross King: Michelangelo and the Pope's Ceiling
  • [16] Fyodor Dostoevsky: The Brothers Karamazov
  • [17] Jonathan Franzen: The Corrections
  • [18] Colm Toibin: The Story of the Night
  • [19] John Banville: Shroud
  • [20] Leo Tolstoy: Resurrection
  • [21] Peter Hessler: River Town, Two Years on the Yangtze
  • [22] Ian McEwan: The Atonement
  • [24] Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Love in the Time of Cholera
  • [25] Ignacio Padilla: Shadow without a Name
  • [26] Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose
  • [27] Richard Russo: Straight Man
  • [28] Fyodor Dostoevsky: Notes from Underground
  • [29] Alan Hollinghurst: The Spell
  • [30] Hermann Broch: The Death of Virgil
  • [31] James Baldwin: Giovanni's Room
  • [32] Ken Kesey: One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • [33] Xingjian Gao: One Man's Bible
  • [34] C. Jay Cox: Latter Days
  • [35] Harper Lee: To Kill A Mockingbird
  • [36] William Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew
  • [37] Daniel A. Helminiak: What The Bible Really Says about Homosexuality
  • [38] James Baldwin: Tell Me How Long the Train's Been Gone
  • [39] Kenji Yoshino: Covering - The Hidden Assault of Civil Rights
  • [40] Italo Calvino: If, On a Winter's Night A Traveler
  • [41] Arthur Phillips: The Egyptologist
  • [42] George Orwell: 1984
  • [43] Michael Warner: The Trouble with Normal: Sex, Politics, and Ethics of Queer Life
  • [44] Andrew Sullivan: Virtually Normal
  • [45] Henry James: The Wings of the Dove
  • [46] Jose Saramago: Blindness
  • [47] Umberto Eco: The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana
  • [48] Dan Brown: Da Vinci Code
  • [49] Kazuo Ishiguro: Never Let Me Go
  • [50] Ken Follett: The Pillars of Earth
  • [51] Leo Tolstoy: War and Peace
  • [52] Michael Thomas Ford: Alec Baldwin Doesn't Like Me
  • [53] Jonathan Franzen: How To Be Alone
  • [54] Jonathan Lethem: The Fortress of Solitude
  • [55] Matthew Pearl: The Dante Club
  • [56] Zadie Smith: White Teeth
  • [57] Fyodor Dostoevsky: The Double
  • [58] Jose Saramago: The Double
  • [59] Andrew Holleran: Dancer from the Dance
  • [60] Heinrich von Kleist: The Marquise of O & Other Stories
  • [61] Andrew Holleran: In September, the Light Changes
  • [62] Tom Perrotta: Little Children
  • August 25, 2006

     

    Pack Away

    In a relationship or friendship that will hopefully will steer to the direction of a relationship, I need reassurance. Recently I have been feeling I'm in a slump of this knowing-each-other-and-see-if-things-work-out business. I tend to give a lot and pour out my heart too easily, to wear my heart on the sleeves and always get hurt. I need a sense of hope or if it won't work out, I need to know. So this sparkle with "him" is like another firework show--you have yet to appreciate the flourishing and the sparkling before it disappears. Maybe I should pack away my emotions and feelings before I get hurt again. Rearguarding.

    8 Comments:

    Blogger Alan said...

    It's easy to shut down our emotions, but aren't they the reason we go through what we go through in the first place?

    8/26/2006 9:06 AM  
    Blogger Robert said...

    GRRR! I posted a comment yesterday and now it's gone! Anyway, lemme think if I could remember what I said...

    Daaaah, hmm... If you need reasurrance, have you asked him the question? I think if he's mature enough, he'll know where things are heading. How do YOU see yourself in this relationship? Do you want to go steady? hehe!

    Of course you can pack away your emotions, but I don't think that's you Matt. Or is it? :-)

    Ask him if you haven't already. From that, at least you know where he's heading. G'luck babe!!

    Happy Saturday.

    8/26/2006 5:36 PM  
    Blogger matty said...

    Never. Ever. Ever --- pack away your emotions, hope and capacity for joy! Those are the parts of our souls that we need to embrace the most and that make others want to know us. Dating sucks and putting yourself out there can hurt like hell. No one wants to be rejected, but to not take the chance is to give up on life. You, Matt, are not allowed to do that. Just because you've met some jerks who can't appreciate the love and beauty you have to offer is no reason to pack up and hide yourself away. Buck up, young man. Continue to take chances and never give up!

    matty

    8/27/2006 2:33 AM  
    Blogger Matt said...

    Thanks everyone. I'm not feeling as bad as I sound. Robert, check your e-mail okay?

    Matty,
    I think the problem is *me*. I was not fingerpointing. Hmmm, maybe I shall put it this way. I am on a panic mode! lol We kinda agreed that we take things slowly, get to know each other and be friends. But how would you define taking it slow? Like not seeing each other for a month? I think what I mean by packing away my feelings is I will give no more than what I have already given -- for fear of being hurt so badly again in just a matter of 4 months. I need reassurance. Does that make sense? I think he is a nice guy.

    8/27/2006 6:53 AM  
    Blogger johnNokc said...

    Matt dear,

    Not see each other for a month? That's waaaay too slow. Cast your net back into the sea. You're a wonderful catch. (Gee, this turned into a fishing metaphor!)

    8/27/2006 8:01 AM  
    Blogger mingerspice said...

    Rather than seeing it as packing away feelings, maybe it would help to see it as a kind of emotional lightness. Life is a mix of light and heavy, and we can enjoy it all. :)

    8/28/2006 2:11 AM  
    Blogger Jef said...

    We live in a society where people want to chew each other up as quickly as possible, but sometimes new friends/lovers need to be savored and allowed to melt in your mouth slowly--acclimating. When the time is right, you'll know whether to swallow or spit him out.

    Some people play at 33 1/3, others at 45 RPM. Sometimes we worry if he doesn't respond how we think he should because we want him to be 45 RPM. Be patient. You'll get to the end of the record, but let him take his time.

    8/28/2006 10:23 PM  
    Blogger Matt said...

    I'm fine everyone. Thanks to all who have sent me e-mails concerning about me.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day. Right?

    8/30/2006 5:30 PM  

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